Robin, the Emo Cat
The Horror!
One day it started. I must have been around four months old.
The human hell-spawn for the fist time sniffed my head, wrinkled her nose and commented that I smelt weird.
You'll soon see that this was just another incident of her causing me severe physical harm.
From then on, I started noticing a change in the behavior of all my humans. My mind is quite brilliant, you know? I notice stuff not many others would notice.
It might sound grotesque but, it's true, they all started to sniff me.
My human Mom did, commenting I was too young (for what, I implore you?).
Even the husband did it, nodding gravely, as if to confirm a sad truth.
But mostly still, it was the human hell-spawn, who, at this point, I still allowed to relish the bliss of touching me and playing with me, kept on burying her unworthy and almost useless nose in my delicate fur, only to announce that something was not right with the way I smelt, and curiously, also with my gender.
Dear, probably utterly devoted, readers, let me make things clear:
I am a slim, handsome specimen of a male cat. I also smell completely delightful. I do now and I always have.
There can absolutely no claims be made that anything was ever wrong with me and to this day I remain, despite my considerable mental powers, absolutely clueless what the humans tried to indicate with their obnoxious and untrue comments.
All I know is that I suffered their grave consequences soon.
Following just another conversation the humans had over my smell, I heard my Mom say pretty harmless words that would turn out to be completely gruesome. She said: "OK, let's do it."
At the time, I didn't realize what she meant. That has to be excused because I was very busy indeed, watching a spider descent onto the porch on the other side of the living room window.
About a week later, they did it.
My human Mom's loving hands scooped me up just as I was dozing happily in a delicious spot of sunlight in the attic. I swear she muttered an apology. She put me back into the box they used to bring me home from the animal shelter.
A cold, cold fear took over my whole sensitive being.
The human hell-spawn must have succeeded in convincing everyone that my smell was not delightful, that there was something wrong with me being a boy cat and now they would deport me!
They'd deport me into a prisoners camp filled with truly malodorous cats! My immaculate little self would probably die from the offensive smell. My creative mind immediately envisioned a camp filled with cats sister Sally who suffered from severe halitosis. (I quickly deduced that such a camp had probably been her fate. I even considered it possible to meet her there, which was not something I looked forward to)
Much worse, it might be a camp for malodorous creatures in general. In my mind I saw vivid images of smelly bunnies, Chihuahuas and spiders! I was glad my imagination was not enough to make up the smell.
Or, and that sounded like heaven compared to Smell Camp, they would simply return me to the shelter! A week ago I overheard my human Mom discuss return policies with the old lady that sometimes comes to visit. The shelter probably had return policies, too! I was sure they wouldn't quite treat the returned animals like royalty, you know?
Anyway, as it was appropriate, I started shivering and shaking and weeping terribly. Almost immediately, I heard my friend Jonas approaching at a hurried pace. For a moment I glimpsed sweet hope, but my hero could only stand there, powerless, as my human Mom carried my box and me out of the house and into the car.
Considering what happened then, the alternatives Smell Camp or Returns Box at the animal shelter sound like sweet heaven.
The car stopped at a house that I had never seen before. Defeated I concluded quickly that it must be Smell Camp, after all. This looked and felt different than the animal shelter. I cried a little harder and huddled my helpless form into a corner of the box.
As my human Mom entered the strange house with me, my worst fear was confirmed.
Smell Camp smelt septic, wild and like the fear of cats and dogs and bunnies and guinea pigs.
I really did not want to spend the rest of my life there!
The brave hero in me wanted to fight and to resist and live my life free from then on, not dependent on yummy canned dinners opened by the loving hands of my human Mom, that I would now most probably lose.
The kitten in me, though, wanted to hide in my human Mom's arms. I pressed myself as close to her as I could through the box. Maybe she would have pity with me after all?
She sat down with me in a room where many other animals waited for their final verdict with their cruel humans. One by one they followed a white coated male human into a room. I never saw any of them again.
My cruel life filled with misunderstandings and misery passed before my eyes, as me and my Mom were called into the room. I wished Jonas would have given my a final lick over the head.
Things went down quick then.
My Mom put me on an unfamiliar table smelling of disinfectant. The white coated male admired my perfect ears, my eyes and pricked my backside. I wanted to flee as fast as I could, surprised and terrified by the sudden sharp pain, but I got drowsy and tired and started seeing things twice, then thrice.
Brain to muddled to think, I staggered miserably towards my human Mom, legs only vaguely obeying me. I more fell than deliberately leant against her warm belly, mournfully sniffed her one last time and lost consciousness.
I woke up in a cage I had never seen before, all alone. To say I woke up is a bit too much actually. My eyes kept on opening and closing and I was only dimly aware of my surroundings. I slept a lot, slipping in and out of consciousness.
I had weird dreams about a superhero called Butterflyman. I don't know what happened.
One time I woke up and heard my human Mom's voice, I think. I don't know. There may or may not have been another car ride. Again, dreams of hearing my Mom's voice.
The next time I woke up, I was somewhere I knew.
I was in my humans' bathroom on the first floor. (It's a pretty cool tiled room with all kinds of water effects, snuggly carpets, occasionally interesting lint and a miraculously heated floor, so I was quite happy, even though I was still almost completely unconscious)
Something was wrong with me, too.
I was in pain. Things felt sore and raw and achy between my hind legs.
Something unspeakable and terrible had happened to me while I had been unconscious!!
Some kind of terrible mutilation had taken place!!!
I dragged my sore self shakily into the corner, the furthest away from the door, and curled up into a tiny feline ball of misery.
Silently, I wept.
All alone as I was in the closed room, I felt abandoned. I didn't know what had happened to me and soon again I fell into an uneasy sleep.
Sometime later, the human hell-spawn was kneeling next to me, correctly telling me that I was a poor little fellow.
It must have been the sorry state my brain was in that made me allow her to scoop me up and carry my almost unconscious, tortured and mutilated body downstairs into the living room.
Helpless and alone as I was, I almost wept with happiness as I heard the familiar sound of Ronja using the cat flap to escape into the cellar. I didn't weep though, I was too drowsy, still.
I saw, through half closed eyes, my human Mom looking at me apologetic and with compassion, the husband looked at me with severe sympathy and the human hell-spawn sat down with me in the armchair.
Almost immediately Jonas jumped up to us and sniffed me carefully. He licked my head, welcoming me home and settled next to the human hell-spawn (who he is far too fond of for my taste anyway) and joined her in watching me sleep the narcotics off.
I was home again, but paid an unspeakable price.
Wish me well…
Robin, the Emo Cat
Author's Notes: Unlike the narrator, I support animal birth control. Please spay / neuter your pets! There are not enough homes for millions of animals as it is, and shelters have to kill almost half of the animals they take in. Never buy animals from a breeder or a pet store!
The human hell-spawn for the fist time sniffed my head, wrinkled her nose and commented that I smelt weird.
You'll soon see that this was just another incident of her causing me severe physical harm.
From then on, I started noticing a change in the behavior of all my humans. My mind is quite brilliant, you know? I notice stuff not many others would notice.
It might sound grotesque but, it's true, they all started to sniff me.
My human Mom did, commenting I was too young (for what, I implore you?).
Even the husband did it, nodding gravely, as if to confirm a sad truth.
But mostly still, it was the human hell-spawn, who, at this point, I still allowed to relish the bliss of touching me and playing with me, kept on burying her unworthy and almost useless nose in my delicate fur, only to announce that something was not right with the way I smelt, and curiously, also with my gender.
Dear, probably utterly devoted, readers, let me make things clear:
I am a slim, handsome specimen of a male cat. I also smell completely delightful. I do now and I always have.
There can absolutely no claims be made that anything was ever wrong with me and to this day I remain, despite my considerable mental powers, absolutely clueless what the humans tried to indicate with their obnoxious and untrue comments.
All I know is that I suffered their grave consequences soon.
Following just another conversation the humans had over my smell, I heard my Mom say pretty harmless words that would turn out to be completely gruesome. She said: "OK, let's do it."
At the time, I didn't realize what she meant. That has to be excused because I was very busy indeed, watching a spider descent onto the porch on the other side of the living room window.
About a week later, they did it.
My human Mom's loving hands scooped me up just as I was dozing happily in a delicious spot of sunlight in the attic. I swear she muttered an apology. She put me back into the box they used to bring me home from the animal shelter.
A cold, cold fear took over my whole sensitive being.
The human hell-spawn must have succeeded in convincing everyone that my smell was not delightful, that there was something wrong with me being a boy cat and now they would deport me!
They'd deport me into a prisoners camp filled with truly malodorous cats! My immaculate little self would probably die from the offensive smell. My creative mind immediately envisioned a camp filled with cats sister Sally who suffered from severe halitosis. (I quickly deduced that such a camp had probably been her fate. I even considered it possible to meet her there, which was not something I looked forward to)
Much worse, it might be a camp for malodorous creatures in general. In my mind I saw vivid images of smelly bunnies, Chihuahuas and spiders! I was glad my imagination was not enough to make up the smell.
Or, and that sounded like heaven compared to Smell Camp, they would simply return me to the shelter! A week ago I overheard my human Mom discuss return policies with the old lady that sometimes comes to visit. The shelter probably had return policies, too! I was sure they wouldn't quite treat the returned animals like royalty, you know?
Anyway, as it was appropriate, I started shivering and shaking and weeping terribly. Almost immediately, I heard my friend Jonas approaching at a hurried pace. For a moment I glimpsed sweet hope, but my hero could only stand there, powerless, as my human Mom carried my box and me out of the house and into the car.
Considering what happened then, the alternatives Smell Camp or Returns Box at the animal shelter sound like sweet heaven.
The car stopped at a house that I had never seen before. Defeated I concluded quickly that it must be Smell Camp, after all. This looked and felt different than the animal shelter. I cried a little harder and huddled my helpless form into a corner of the box.
As my human Mom entered the strange house with me, my worst fear was confirmed.
Smell Camp smelt septic, wild and like the fear of cats and dogs and bunnies and guinea pigs.
I really did not want to spend the rest of my life there!
The brave hero in me wanted to fight and to resist and live my life free from then on, not dependent on yummy canned dinners opened by the loving hands of my human Mom, that I would now most probably lose.
The kitten in me, though, wanted to hide in my human Mom's arms. I pressed myself as close to her as I could through the box. Maybe she would have pity with me after all?
She sat down with me in a room where many other animals waited for their final verdict with their cruel humans. One by one they followed a white coated male human into a room. I never saw any of them again.
My cruel life filled with misunderstandings and misery passed before my eyes, as me and my Mom were called into the room. I wished Jonas would have given my a final lick over the head.
Things went down quick then.
My Mom put me on an unfamiliar table smelling of disinfectant. The white coated male admired my perfect ears, my eyes and pricked my backside. I wanted to flee as fast as I could, surprised and terrified by the sudden sharp pain, but I got drowsy and tired and started seeing things twice, then thrice.
Brain to muddled to think, I staggered miserably towards my human Mom, legs only vaguely obeying me. I more fell than deliberately leant against her warm belly, mournfully sniffed her one last time and lost consciousness.
I woke up in a cage I had never seen before, all alone. To say I woke up is a bit too much actually. My eyes kept on opening and closing and I was only dimly aware of my surroundings. I slept a lot, slipping in and out of consciousness.
I had weird dreams about a superhero called Butterflyman. I don't know what happened.
One time I woke up and heard my human Mom's voice, I think. I don't know. There may or may not have been another car ride. Again, dreams of hearing my Mom's voice.
The next time I woke up, I was somewhere I knew.
I was in my humans' bathroom on the first floor. (It's a pretty cool tiled room with all kinds of water effects, snuggly carpets, occasionally interesting lint and a miraculously heated floor, so I was quite happy, even though I was still almost completely unconscious)
Something was wrong with me, too.
I was in pain. Things felt sore and raw and achy between my hind legs.
Something unspeakable and terrible had happened to me while I had been unconscious!!
Some kind of terrible mutilation had taken place!!!
I dragged my sore self shakily into the corner, the furthest away from the door, and curled up into a tiny feline ball of misery.
Silently, I wept.
All alone as I was in the closed room, I felt abandoned. I didn't know what had happened to me and soon again I fell into an uneasy sleep.
Sometime later, the human hell-spawn was kneeling next to me, correctly telling me that I was a poor little fellow.
It must have been the sorry state my brain was in that made me allow her to scoop me up and carry my almost unconscious, tortured and mutilated body downstairs into the living room.
Helpless and alone as I was, I almost wept with happiness as I heard the familiar sound of Ronja using the cat flap to escape into the cellar. I didn't weep though, I was too drowsy, still.
I saw, through half closed eyes, my human Mom looking at me apologetic and with compassion, the husband looked at me with severe sympathy and the human hell-spawn sat down with me in the armchair.
Almost immediately Jonas jumped up to us and sniffed me carefully. He licked my head, welcoming me home and settled next to the human hell-spawn (who he is far too fond of for my taste anyway) and joined her in watching me sleep the narcotics off.
I was home again, but paid an unspeakable price.
Wish me well…
Robin, the Emo Cat
Author's Notes: Unlike the narrator, I support animal birth control. Please spay / neuter your pets! There are not enough homes for millions of animals as it is, and shelters have to kill almost half of the animals they take in. Never buy animals from a breeder or a pet store!