Embracing Past
Happy Birthday
I was the young age of sixteen when I first met him. I remember it as if it happened only yesterday. It was May 3, 2006; my sixteenth birthday. He had brought my best friend Julia, his sister, to my house so she could spend the night. Even though Julia and I had been friends for the past two years, this was my first time meeting her brother. I can still remember the way my face flushed at the sight of him standing on my front porch, with Julia's bag draped over his lean shoulder. His shaggy, brown hair danced in the wind as he stared at me with beautiful blue eyes.
"Happy birthday!" Julia squealed as she wrapped her arms around my neck.
I was only half paying attention to her when I hugged her back. My eyes stayed on his angelic face that was smiling down at me the entire time.
"Oh, I almost forgot. This is my brother Dorian. You remember me telling you about him, right?" Julia said as she stepped back from me.
"Yeah, I remember," I replied, smiling, thinking back to the many photos of him she had shown me from when he was staying in Europe. His looks had changed quite a bit.
Dorian thrusted his hand out towards me and said, "It's nice to meet you. Happy birthday."
"It's nice to meet you, too, and thanks. My name is Tanith, by the way," I said as I took his hand. His warm touch caused a surge of electricity to course through my veins, causing me to shudder.
"I know who you are," Dorian said, smiling.
"Would you like to stay for some cake?" I asked.
"What? No, he can't stay!" Julia yelled as she stomped her foot.
I ignored her and waited for Dorian to answer.
"I would love to," he replied.
That was the first time I met Dorian and still to this day, I don't regret it.
We talked on the phone whenever we had the chance. Of course, neither of us told Julia. It would have only caused her to freak out on the both of us. You see, Dorian is seven years older than me, making him to be twenty-three at the time. I didn't care about that, though. At the time, we were nothing more than friends.
I didn't see Dorian again until a month or so after our first encounter. We were both shopping in the same store and oddly enough, we both picked up the same book.
"Interesting choice in a book," he said as he let go of it.
I nodded my head, "Shakespeare is one of the best writer's ever."
"That he is," Dorian said, smiling. I blushed and looked down at my feet.
"Would you like to go to the food court with me?" he asked.
Looking up at him, I nodded my head, "I'd like that."
For the next four hours, we laughed and talked with each other as we pretended to eat the food we had ordered from the Chinese restaurant. It was difficult for me to look him in the face without blushing. He was so beautiful.
When we walked out of the mall, Dorian offered to take me home so I wouldn't have to ride the bus or take a taxi. I gladly took his offer.
"I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I think you're very pretty," he said, smiling as he pulled out of the mall parking lot.
My face flushed. "Thank you," I replied.
The next couple of minutes were silent and awkward. I could feel the tension build up between us. I could tell by the mixture of confusion and nervousness that showed on his face that there was something else he wanted to tell me. He just didn't know how. I'm usually not the type of girl to blurt out my feelings to the member of the opposite sex but I just couldn't hold it back any longer. I had to tell him.
"This may sound crazy and I'm sure you'll think I'm stupid but I like you. I really, really like you," I said in one breath.
Dorian eased on the breaks, stopping at a red light. It seemed like hours were going by and still he hadn't said anything, or looked at me. He turned his head toward me, a crooked smile displayed on his face. Reaching over, he rubbed my cheek with his fingertips. That simple gesture made me shudder.
"I really, really like you, too," he replied, his eyes seeming to smile at me along with his kissable lips.
Before I could reply, he closed the distance between us and pressed his warm lips to mine. At first, I was shocked and I didn't respond, but that didn't keep him from continuing. Dorian placed his hands on the sides of my face and gently held me there as he massaged his mouth against mine. Before I realized it, I was kissing him back.
My hands trembled as I moved them up his body until they were tangled in his brown locks. Dorian sighed against my lips as he grabbed my arms and began pulling them away from him. From somewhere distant, I could hear a car horn blow, but that didn't matter to me. All that matter was what was happening right now with Dorian.
When he pulled away from me, I sighed and fell back in my seat, a wide grin plastered across my face. My head was spinning with the ecstasy of it all.
For a year we continued to see each other behind everyone's backs. Not once did Julia get suspicious of us, which was surprising considering she's the type who usually notices everything.
I can still remember the dreadful day Dorian decided that we should take a trip to the pond. On the way there he didn't talk much, or look at me, and I knew instantly that there was something wrong. Dorian had something on his mind and I had a feeling that I knew exactly what it was.
After parking, he got out of the car and went straight to the pond's edge and just stood there with his back turned to me. I got out of the car and made my way towards him. Cautiously, I touched his shoulder and he looked at me with sympathetic eyes.
"What's wrong?" I asked in a low voice.
He sighed, "Everything."
"I'm sorry, but you'll have to explain. I don't understand."
Dorian adverted his eyes to the pond once more. "This...we...can't go on any longer."
He had confirmed my fear with his words. Tears began to prick at my eyes, and I fought them back.
"Why? I...I don't understand. You told me you loved me," I replied, wiping my eyes with fingers.
Dorian still wouldn't look at me. When he reach up, I thought he was going to take me into his arms, but he didn't. Instead, he wiped his own tears away.
"I feel like I'm taking advantage of you, Tanith. You're only seventeen, and I'm twenty-four. I've fallen in love with you. We're both looking for completely different things."
My blood was beginning to boil now. "Dorian, I love you, too. You're not taking advantage of me. I know exactly what I want. I want you and no one else."
He shook his head. "You can't be sure about that. You haven't got to experience anything with other guys, Tanith. Besides, that's not the only problem."
"What else is there?"
Dorian turned and looked at me, his eyes glistening with tears. "If anyone was to ever find out, I could go to jail. I can't risk that. Don't you understand? The things we've done are illegal."
I laughed sardonically, "You never had a problem with that before. Why choose now to bring this up? Just tell me the truth, Dorian. You've found someone better, haven't you?"
He placed his hands on my upper arms, and bent down so he eye level with me. "Listen to me, Tanith. There isn't anyone else, nor will there be. Can't you see that the only reason why I'm doing this is because I love you?"
I struggled to get away from him, but he only tightened his hold. The tears I fought so hard to hold back finally broke through. "If you really loved me, you wouldn't leave me."
"This isn't goodbye, Tanith. Think of this as 'see you later'. We will see each other again. I promise you that."
"How can you promise me that? You don't know what the future holds," I sniffled.
"No, I don't, but I know that if we truly love each other then when you turn eighteen, I'll come to you, no matter where you are. I'll be there for your birthday."
"What if your feelings change for me?"
"They won't, but if by some chance they do, I will contact you. I owe you that much."
I looked down at the ground and squeezed my eyes shut, trying my best to stop crying. "I don't want to quit you. I don't think I can live without you, Dorian."
"Don't say that. As long as we don't contact each other, we'll both be fine. I know it."
Dorian pulled me into his arms and held me there. I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist and took in his scent and the feel of him against me. In my heart, I knew this would be the last time we would hold each other this way, no matter what he said.
It has been exactly two years since I first met Dorian on that glorious, life changing day. All day I've been anxiously awaiting his arrival. The day has been going by so dreadfully slow and no matter how much I try, I can't seem to get rid of the people here in my parents' house that came for my party.
Since the day Dorian and I split ways, I made an effort to not ask Julia anything about him and whenever she would bring him up, I tuned her out. It hurt too much to think about him. Even now as I picture his beautiful, smiling face it shoves the knife in my heart that much deeper.
"Hey, we're thinking about going to the lake. Want to come?" Julia asked, bringing me back to reality.
"No, thanks. I'm just going to stay here," I replied.
"Are you sure?" she asked, frowning.
"I'm positive. I just want to relax. You know, have some alone time," I assured her.
After saying my goodbyes to everyone, I went upstairs to my room. Blindly feeling underneath my bed, I pulled out a familiar, worn, black box and placed it down on the floor in front of me. I tried to think of the last time I opened this box, but I couldn't. It had been too long ago for me to remember.
Taking the lid off, I took out the first photograph my hand came in contact with. A smile spread across my face when I saw which one it was. It was a picture of Dorian and me from the time we went hiking. Things were so much better then.
My nerves were beginning to take their toll on me when the clock striked 9pm. There were only three hours left of my birthday; only three hours left for him to come. I watched the clock as it slowly ticked down the hours, hoping and praying that he would show up. Hoping and praying that when he did, he would tell me his feelings hadn't changed, that they were still the same.
It was 11:30pm and I felt like crawling into a corner and crying. He wasn't coming and I knew it. Just as I was about to completely give up, I heard the doorbell ring. Jumping to my feet, I raced downstairs and threw the door open. My heart skipped a beat as I stood there, staring at the person in front of me. He still looked the same as he did the last time I saw him. He still looked like my Dorian.
"You made it," I gasped. My knees were beginning to wobble so I placed my hands on the door frame to hold myself up.
He nodded his head. "I promised you that I would."
"Does this mean what I think this means?" I asked, my heart beating a mile a minute.
"I was already in town, so I thought I would come tell you myself instead of on the phone or in a letter..."
Right then, my heart shattered into a million pieces. He wasn't here to start back where we left off. No, he was here to tell me he didn't love me anymore. He was here to re-open the wound in my heart.
I took a small step back from him. "You can't be serious."
He looked at me with pleading eyes. "Please understand that it was never in my intentions to hurt you."
"Then why did you come? Why didn't you just let me figure out on my own!" I yelped.
"I made a promise to you, Tanith."
"I would have rather you broke that promise, Dorian," I seethed. "I still love you as much as I did the day you broke up with me. You coming here to tell me this in person only makes the pain of losing you that much worse! I wish I never met you."
"Please don't say that," Dorian said, taking a step towards me.
"Stop right there. I want you to leave and never come back. I don't ever want to see you again. I need to move on like you obviously have. I need to quit you...for good."
Dorian nodded his head. "Goodbye, Tanith," he mumbled as he turned around and walked away.
I didn't bother to watch him walk away because I knew I would be tempted to call him back to me. I knew I would only end up begging and pleading with him to love me again. As soon as I shut the door, I collapsed to the floor, no longer able to hold myself up right. Tears flowed freely from my eyes as I clutched at my chest and rocked back and forth.
Dorian didn't love me anymore.
Thanks for reading. Comments are lovely. :)
"Happy birthday!" Julia squealed as she wrapped her arms around my neck.
I was only half paying attention to her when I hugged her back. My eyes stayed on his angelic face that was smiling down at me the entire time.
"Oh, I almost forgot. This is my brother Dorian. You remember me telling you about him, right?" Julia said as she stepped back from me.
"Yeah, I remember," I replied, smiling, thinking back to the many photos of him she had shown me from when he was staying in Europe. His looks had changed quite a bit.
Dorian thrusted his hand out towards me and said, "It's nice to meet you. Happy birthday."
"It's nice to meet you, too, and thanks. My name is Tanith, by the way," I said as I took his hand. His warm touch caused a surge of electricity to course through my veins, causing me to shudder.
"I know who you are," Dorian said, smiling.
"Would you like to stay for some cake?" I asked.
"What? No, he can't stay!" Julia yelled as she stomped her foot.
I ignored her and waited for Dorian to answer.
"I would love to," he replied.
That was the first time I met Dorian and still to this day, I don't regret it.
We talked on the phone whenever we had the chance. Of course, neither of us told Julia. It would have only caused her to freak out on the both of us. You see, Dorian is seven years older than me, making him to be twenty-three at the time. I didn't care about that, though. At the time, we were nothing more than friends.
I didn't see Dorian again until a month or so after our first encounter. We were both shopping in the same store and oddly enough, we both picked up the same book.
"Interesting choice in a book," he said as he let go of it.
I nodded my head, "Shakespeare is one of the best writer's ever."
"That he is," Dorian said, smiling. I blushed and looked down at my feet.
"Would you like to go to the food court with me?" he asked.
Looking up at him, I nodded my head, "I'd like that."
For the next four hours, we laughed and talked with each other as we pretended to eat the food we had ordered from the Chinese restaurant. It was difficult for me to look him in the face without blushing. He was so beautiful.
When we walked out of the mall, Dorian offered to take me home so I wouldn't have to ride the bus or take a taxi. I gladly took his offer.
"I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I think you're very pretty," he said, smiling as he pulled out of the mall parking lot.
My face flushed. "Thank you," I replied.
The next couple of minutes were silent and awkward. I could feel the tension build up between us. I could tell by the mixture of confusion and nervousness that showed on his face that there was something else he wanted to tell me. He just didn't know how. I'm usually not the type of girl to blurt out my feelings to the member of the opposite sex but I just couldn't hold it back any longer. I had to tell him.
"This may sound crazy and I'm sure you'll think I'm stupid but I like you. I really, really like you," I said in one breath.
Dorian eased on the breaks, stopping at a red light. It seemed like hours were going by and still he hadn't said anything, or looked at me. He turned his head toward me, a crooked smile displayed on his face. Reaching over, he rubbed my cheek with his fingertips. That simple gesture made me shudder.
"I really, really like you, too," he replied, his eyes seeming to smile at me along with his kissable lips.
Before I could reply, he closed the distance between us and pressed his warm lips to mine. At first, I was shocked and I didn't respond, but that didn't keep him from continuing. Dorian placed his hands on the sides of my face and gently held me there as he massaged his mouth against mine. Before I realized it, I was kissing him back.
My hands trembled as I moved them up his body until they were tangled in his brown locks. Dorian sighed against my lips as he grabbed my arms and began pulling them away from him. From somewhere distant, I could hear a car horn blow, but that didn't matter to me. All that matter was what was happening right now with Dorian.
When he pulled away from me, I sighed and fell back in my seat, a wide grin plastered across my face. My head was spinning with the ecstasy of it all.
For a year we continued to see each other behind everyone's backs. Not once did Julia get suspicious of us, which was surprising considering she's the type who usually notices everything.
I can still remember the dreadful day Dorian decided that we should take a trip to the pond. On the way there he didn't talk much, or look at me, and I knew instantly that there was something wrong. Dorian had something on his mind and I had a feeling that I knew exactly what it was.
After parking, he got out of the car and went straight to the pond's edge and just stood there with his back turned to me. I got out of the car and made my way towards him. Cautiously, I touched his shoulder and he looked at me with sympathetic eyes.
"What's wrong?" I asked in a low voice.
He sighed, "Everything."
"I'm sorry, but you'll have to explain. I don't understand."
Dorian adverted his eyes to the pond once more. "This...we...can't go on any longer."
He had confirmed my fear with his words. Tears began to prick at my eyes, and I fought them back.
"Why? I...I don't understand. You told me you loved me," I replied, wiping my eyes with fingers.
Dorian still wouldn't look at me. When he reach up, I thought he was going to take me into his arms, but he didn't. Instead, he wiped his own tears away.
"I feel like I'm taking advantage of you, Tanith. You're only seventeen, and I'm twenty-four. I've fallen in love with you. We're both looking for completely different things."
My blood was beginning to boil now. "Dorian, I love you, too. You're not taking advantage of me. I know exactly what I want. I want you and no one else."
He shook his head. "You can't be sure about that. You haven't got to experience anything with other guys, Tanith. Besides, that's not the only problem."
"What else is there?"
Dorian turned and looked at me, his eyes glistening with tears. "If anyone was to ever find out, I could go to jail. I can't risk that. Don't you understand? The things we've done are illegal."
I laughed sardonically, "You never had a problem with that before. Why choose now to bring this up? Just tell me the truth, Dorian. You've found someone better, haven't you?"
He placed his hands on my upper arms, and bent down so he eye level with me. "Listen to me, Tanith. There isn't anyone else, nor will there be. Can't you see that the only reason why I'm doing this is because I love you?"
I struggled to get away from him, but he only tightened his hold. The tears I fought so hard to hold back finally broke through. "If you really loved me, you wouldn't leave me."
"This isn't goodbye, Tanith. Think of this as 'see you later'. We will see each other again. I promise you that."
"How can you promise me that? You don't know what the future holds," I sniffled.
"No, I don't, but I know that if we truly love each other then when you turn eighteen, I'll come to you, no matter where you are. I'll be there for your birthday."
"What if your feelings change for me?"
"They won't, but if by some chance they do, I will contact you. I owe you that much."
I looked down at the ground and squeezed my eyes shut, trying my best to stop crying. "I don't want to quit you. I don't think I can live without you, Dorian."
"Don't say that. As long as we don't contact each other, we'll both be fine. I know it."
Dorian pulled me into his arms and held me there. I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist and took in his scent and the feel of him against me. In my heart, I knew this would be the last time we would hold each other this way, no matter what he said.
It has been exactly two years since I first met Dorian on that glorious, life changing day. All day I've been anxiously awaiting his arrival. The day has been going by so dreadfully slow and no matter how much I try, I can't seem to get rid of the people here in my parents' house that came for my party.
Since the day Dorian and I split ways, I made an effort to not ask Julia anything about him and whenever she would bring him up, I tuned her out. It hurt too much to think about him. Even now as I picture his beautiful, smiling face it shoves the knife in my heart that much deeper.
"Hey, we're thinking about going to the lake. Want to come?" Julia asked, bringing me back to reality.
"No, thanks. I'm just going to stay here," I replied.
"Are you sure?" she asked, frowning.
"I'm positive. I just want to relax. You know, have some alone time," I assured her.
After saying my goodbyes to everyone, I went upstairs to my room. Blindly feeling underneath my bed, I pulled out a familiar, worn, black box and placed it down on the floor in front of me. I tried to think of the last time I opened this box, but I couldn't. It had been too long ago for me to remember.
Taking the lid off, I took out the first photograph my hand came in contact with. A smile spread across my face when I saw which one it was. It was a picture of Dorian and me from the time we went hiking. Things were so much better then.
My nerves were beginning to take their toll on me when the clock striked 9pm. There were only three hours left of my birthday; only three hours left for him to come. I watched the clock as it slowly ticked down the hours, hoping and praying that he would show up. Hoping and praying that when he did, he would tell me his feelings hadn't changed, that they were still the same.
It was 11:30pm and I felt like crawling into a corner and crying. He wasn't coming and I knew it. Just as I was about to completely give up, I heard the doorbell ring. Jumping to my feet, I raced downstairs and threw the door open. My heart skipped a beat as I stood there, staring at the person in front of me. He still looked the same as he did the last time I saw him. He still looked like my Dorian.
"You made it," I gasped. My knees were beginning to wobble so I placed my hands on the door frame to hold myself up.
He nodded his head. "I promised you that I would."
"Does this mean what I think this means?" I asked, my heart beating a mile a minute.
"I was already in town, so I thought I would come tell you myself instead of on the phone or in a letter..."
Right then, my heart shattered into a million pieces. He wasn't here to start back where we left off. No, he was here to tell me he didn't love me anymore. He was here to re-open the wound in my heart.
I took a small step back from him. "You can't be serious."
He looked at me with pleading eyes. "Please understand that it was never in my intentions to hurt you."
"Then why did you come? Why didn't you just let me figure out on my own!" I yelped.
"I made a promise to you, Tanith."
"I would have rather you broke that promise, Dorian," I seethed. "I still love you as much as I did the day you broke up with me. You coming here to tell me this in person only makes the pain of losing you that much worse! I wish I never met you."
"Please don't say that," Dorian said, taking a step towards me.
"Stop right there. I want you to leave and never come back. I don't ever want to see you again. I need to move on like you obviously have. I need to quit you...for good."
Dorian nodded his head. "Goodbye, Tanith," he mumbled as he turned around and walked away.
I didn't bother to watch him walk away because I knew I would be tempted to call him back to me. I knew I would only end up begging and pleading with him to love me again. As soon as I shut the door, I collapsed to the floor, no longer able to hold myself up right. Tears flowed freely from my eyes as I clutched at my chest and rocked back and forth.
Dorian didn't love me anymore.
Thanks for reading. Comments are lovely. :)