Letters and Apologies (Will You Do It?)
Letters and Apologies (Will You Do It?)
If there's a single phrase that I hate most in the world, it's 'I'm sorry.'
Except that's where it gets confusing, because even though I hate it, I always want to hear it, I love to hear it, those two small words give me this hope, this hope that now everything will be okay.
But now it seems that that phrase has been said and repeated so many times that it's lost all meaning. Sometimes when people say it, I feel like they don't mean it, and sometimes I hate hearing it. I've been accused of not meaning it. I've said those two words, and I've had them flung right back into my face. 'No you're not.'
And that hurt not only because I did mean it, but also because it's so hard for me to say those words. I hate apologising. It's okay if it's sorry for physical hurts, but when it comes to saying sorry for the deeper, emotional hurts that really hurt, the ones that hurt like a bitch...well, that's hard for me.
'I'm sorry.' Another thing about that phrase is that it needs two people: one person to apologise, the other to forgive. And no matter how many times you apologise, no matter how much you mean it, it doesn't make a fucking difference if you're not forgiven.
That's another of my problems. I find it hard to forgive. I find it hard to forgive for those hurts that aren't skin deep - after all, bruises fade, bones heal, but once a hole has been made inside you, inside your soul, it's hard to repair - if it can be repaired.
'Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can shatter the soul.'
Shatter the soul. That calls up another saying.
'Trust, like a reputation, is like a pane of glass - once broken, it can never be repaired.'
I agree entirely with that, with one exception - they can be repaired, but it takes time, years of carefully piecing together that trust, that reputation, that soul.
And yeah, it's hard work, but if you want it enough, mean it enough, then you'll at least try, and eventually everything's normal. Or at least, it becomes another, a different normal.
One of the hardest things about being human is that you can't see into other's minds, you will never fully understand anyone but yourself. You will never know if they really do - did - will mean it.
I hate it. And yet I love it. I don't know. But I can tell you one thing, I definitely mean it.
I'm sorry.
Now it's your turn. Will you forgive me?
For It's_Esyr_2_Run.
Except that's where it gets confusing, because even though I hate it, I always want to hear it, I love to hear it, those two small words give me this hope, this hope that now everything will be okay.
But now it seems that that phrase has been said and repeated so many times that it's lost all meaning. Sometimes when people say it, I feel like they don't mean it, and sometimes I hate hearing it. I've been accused of not meaning it. I've said those two words, and I've had them flung right back into my face. 'No you're not.'
And that hurt not only because I did mean it, but also because it's so hard for me to say those words. I hate apologising. It's okay if it's sorry for physical hurts, but when it comes to saying sorry for the deeper, emotional hurts that really hurt, the ones that hurt like a bitch...well, that's hard for me.
'I'm sorry.' Another thing about that phrase is that it needs two people: one person to apologise, the other to forgive. And no matter how many times you apologise, no matter how much you mean it, it doesn't make a fucking difference if you're not forgiven.
That's another of my problems. I find it hard to forgive. I find it hard to forgive for those hurts that aren't skin deep - after all, bruises fade, bones heal, but once a hole has been made inside you, inside your soul, it's hard to repair - if it can be repaired.
'Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can shatter the soul.'
Shatter the soul. That calls up another saying.
'Trust, like a reputation, is like a pane of glass - once broken, it can never be repaired.'
I agree entirely with that, with one exception - they can be repaired, but it takes time, years of carefully piecing together that trust, that reputation, that soul.
And yeah, it's hard work, but if you want it enough, mean it enough, then you'll at least try, and eventually everything's normal. Or at least, it becomes another, a different normal.
One of the hardest things about being human is that you can't see into other's minds, you will never fully understand anyone but yourself. You will never know if they really do - did - will mean it.
I hate it. And yet I love it. I don't know. But I can tell you one thing, I definitely mean it.
I'm sorry.
Now it's your turn. Will you forgive me?
For It's_Esyr_2_Run.