Love Me Or Hate Me But Take Me As I Am
Chaper Nine
I laid on my stomach on my bed, scribbling my thoughts down in my black leather book like I usually did when something bothered me. I just needed to get my thoughts out on paper that way I could find peace in my troubled mind.
What did I do so wrong that he wouldn't want to be with me? Did I make a mistake or was I just a mistake period? Hell, it's hard to tell with Arttie. Maybe Tori was right in the end. Maybe I was better off without his lying cheating self.
But I don't feel better off. I feel like I just lost something I just found again. Didn't he want to be with me, didn't he try? Yes, he tried, but somehow Sarah said something to change our relationship.
Stupid little... *-_- I'm going to gte to the bottom of this. I will find out what changed.
I huffed a sigh and tossed the journal across the room, making it hit the wall and fall to te floor. All my thoughts and questions were in there. Not only those, but my lyrics and poems too. I just couldn't focus on writing. All I wanted to do was go wring that skinny little lying bitch's throat.
I rolled over on my back and glared at the ceiling. I sighed again troubled thinking about all this. My door opened and I turned my head to watch Arttie shut the door quietly.
"What do you want," I demanded, sitting up glaring in his direction.
He came over and sat down in front of me on the bed. "Chaos, please don't be mad. If you could understand why I had to do what I had to do."
"Okay, well please explain to me why you had to do it. Please tell me why she is more important than me. I haven't done anything to you. You have wronged me like Sarah has wronged you. Your both cheaters meant for each other-"
I was cut off by his lips being pressed against mine. His hands found the bottom of my shirt, trying to pull it over my head, but I smacked his hands away as I broke his kiss. "What do you think your doing."
"Chaos, I don't want to be with her, but I have to. I want to be with you more than anything I just can't."
"Tell me why Arttie. Tell me what's standing in the way of our relationship."
"I can't tell you." he muttered, looking away shamefully.
"Then how am I suppose to understand anything. How am I suppose to know your not lying to me about wanting to be with me."
"Because this," he said, leaning in kissing me hard, "isn't a lie."
"But you can't prove you love me. You've never said those three words that I need to hear from your lips. Never. Your afraid of a commitment with someone who might actually just love you for who you are. Because your afraid, you feel the need to cheat in order for you to avoid getting hurt. Your only causing yourself more pain-"
I couldn't stop this kiss this time. He pushed me back so I was laying on my bed once more. I didn't want to stop any of it. His hands traveled down my sides, grabbing the ends of my white tank top and slowly pulling it up past my bra. He broke the kiss by pulling it over my head, only giving me a few seconds to recover.
I didn't want to be the girl he cheated with. I was already the girl he cheated on. I didn't need anymore of this. Before I could open my mouth and speak my mind, his lips crashed against mine again, preventing any words from slipping out. I pushed my hands up against his chest, trying to push him off of me, but I didn't accomplish much. I found myself kissing him back just as easy, giving up on trying to stop this from happening.
I smirked against his lips causing him to pull back. "What?" he breathed, trying to keep his sentence even.
"Nothing," I said, shrugging. I'm going to even out the field with Sarah. Even if it was wrong, I was still going to do it. Not like she'd care cause she was too busy fucking Derek every chance she could get. Why did it matter all the sudden. He pulled his shirt off over his head and fought with his jeans. I leaned up and reached out to traced his creases that formed the muscles in his six pack. He shook off his pants finally and pushed me back down on my bed with him kissing me...
I laid comfortably against Arttie's chest with his arms locked around me tight. I looked up occasionally to see him staring at me which only caused me to look away real quickly as the warm blood rushed to my cheeks. Why couldn't Sarah have left us alone? Then, I wouldn't have to feel so guilty about what we just done.
Arttie pulled his arms away and rolled off the bed so that he was standing on the floor. He bent over and grabed his pants and hopped around the room pulling them on. Then he grabbed his shirt off my chair and searched for his shoes. "I gotta go meet Sarah."
"Oh," I said, hurt a little. Way to ruin the warm cuddley moment Arttie, I thought bitterly. Not that it was completely warm. Guilt was the cold that crept into my mind the whole entire time. I expected he was going to leave but not directly to go see her.
"Yeah, I have to pick her up that way I can take her out shopping."
"Whose money, yours or hers." I muttered.
"Chaos, not now."
"Fine, fine, fine." I couldn't wait to let her find out about Arttie cheating on her tonight.
Almost as if he could read my mind, his eyes snapped up to hold my gaze. "Don't go making your life more difficult than it already is Chaos."
I rolled my eyes and looked out the window. I couldn't help to feel jealous. "Arttie, why can't you tell me," I asked one more time, knowing I wouldn't get a direct answer.
He walked over and leaned over the bed, pressing his lips against mine and pulled away. "Chaos, just think about it. It's not that hard to figure out. Realization will come to you."
"And if it doesn't?"
"Then I'll tell you."
"You promise?" I asked, looking up at him.
He nodded. He turned and waved as he walked out of my bedroom. It wasn't even a minute after Arttie had left and everyone burst into my room. "Could you guys get any louder, I was watching Sweeny Todd for crying out loud!" Anastasia whinned.
"What the fuck Chaos!" Tori yelled.
"Chaos you just stooped to far to her level," Danielle murmured.
"Oh my god, you guys did it while we were here!" Rememendy yelled, throwing her hands up in the air.
I ignored their complaints and only picked up on the concern that came from the back of the group of my friends. "Chaos, are you alright?" Willa whispered.
The crowd of girls parted and I brought my head up from looking at my comforter and let my eyes bore into hers. I didn't have to say anything to her. She already knew my answer to that. She took a few strides toward me and crawled onto the bed, wrapping her arms tightly around me. I wasn't going to cry, because I didn't feel any sadness. I felt numb inside. Just so lost deep in thought. Not really caring what the others were saying about me.
After a few mintues Willa pulled away with a disgusted look on her face. "Chaos, I'm going to try to put this as nicely as I can but you smell like sex."
All the sudden a hysterical laughter that I couldn't control burst out of me. I got up to my feet and ran into my bathroom and locked the door. I leaned up against the door and closed my eyes, letting the tears slip down my face as I slide down to the floor. I pulled my knees up to my chin and just stared off into space.
I tried to think about why Arttie was holding onto Sarh. The only realization that came to me was that I had become what I despised the most. I became what I never wanted to become. I lost myself to my enemy. I became Sarah.
Sorry for the long delay in updates.
Internet has been down for a month!
Show some love if you forgive me!!!!!!
xoxoxo
Kayla
What did I do so wrong that he wouldn't want to be with me? Did I make a mistake or was I just a mistake period? Hell, it's hard to tell with Arttie. Maybe Tori was right in the end. Maybe I was better off without his lying cheating self.
But I don't feel better off. I feel like I just lost something I just found again. Didn't he want to be with me, didn't he try? Yes, he tried, but somehow Sarah said something to change our relationship.
Stupid little... *-_- I'm going to gte to the bottom of this. I will find out what changed.
I huffed a sigh and tossed the journal across the room, making it hit the wall and fall to te floor. All my thoughts and questions were in there. Not only those, but my lyrics and poems too. I just couldn't focus on writing. All I wanted to do was go wring that skinny little lying bitch's throat.
I rolled over on my back and glared at the ceiling. I sighed again troubled thinking about all this. My door opened and I turned my head to watch Arttie shut the door quietly.
"What do you want," I demanded, sitting up glaring in his direction.
He came over and sat down in front of me on the bed. "Chaos, please don't be mad. If you could understand why I had to do what I had to do."
"Okay, well please explain to me why you had to do it. Please tell me why she is more important than me. I haven't done anything to you. You have wronged me like Sarah has wronged you. Your both cheaters meant for each other-"
I was cut off by his lips being pressed against mine. His hands found the bottom of my shirt, trying to pull it over my head, but I smacked his hands away as I broke his kiss. "What do you think your doing."
"Chaos, I don't want to be with her, but I have to. I want to be with you more than anything I just can't."
"Tell me why Arttie. Tell me what's standing in the way of our relationship."
"I can't tell you." he muttered, looking away shamefully.
"Then how am I suppose to understand anything. How am I suppose to know your not lying to me about wanting to be with me."
"Because this," he said, leaning in kissing me hard, "isn't a lie."
"But you can't prove you love me. You've never said those three words that I need to hear from your lips. Never. Your afraid of a commitment with someone who might actually just love you for who you are. Because your afraid, you feel the need to cheat in order for you to avoid getting hurt. Your only causing yourself more pain-"
I couldn't stop this kiss this time. He pushed me back so I was laying on my bed once more. I didn't want to stop any of it. His hands traveled down my sides, grabbing the ends of my white tank top and slowly pulling it up past my bra. He broke the kiss by pulling it over my head, only giving me a few seconds to recover.
I didn't want to be the girl he cheated with. I was already the girl he cheated on. I didn't need anymore of this. Before I could open my mouth and speak my mind, his lips crashed against mine again, preventing any words from slipping out. I pushed my hands up against his chest, trying to push him off of me, but I didn't accomplish much. I found myself kissing him back just as easy, giving up on trying to stop this from happening.
I smirked against his lips causing him to pull back. "What?" he breathed, trying to keep his sentence even.
"Nothing," I said, shrugging. I'm going to even out the field with Sarah. Even if it was wrong, I was still going to do it. Not like she'd care cause she was too busy fucking Derek every chance she could get. Why did it matter all the sudden. He pulled his shirt off over his head and fought with his jeans. I leaned up and reached out to traced his creases that formed the muscles in his six pack. He shook off his pants finally and pushed me back down on my bed with him kissing me...
I laid comfortably against Arttie's chest with his arms locked around me tight. I looked up occasionally to see him staring at me which only caused me to look away real quickly as the warm blood rushed to my cheeks. Why couldn't Sarah have left us alone? Then, I wouldn't have to feel so guilty about what we just done.
Arttie pulled his arms away and rolled off the bed so that he was standing on the floor. He bent over and grabed his pants and hopped around the room pulling them on. Then he grabbed his shirt off my chair and searched for his shoes. "I gotta go meet Sarah."
"Oh," I said, hurt a little. Way to ruin the warm cuddley moment Arttie, I thought bitterly. Not that it was completely warm. Guilt was the cold that crept into my mind the whole entire time. I expected he was going to leave but not directly to go see her.
"Yeah, I have to pick her up that way I can take her out shopping."
"Whose money, yours or hers." I muttered.
"Chaos, not now."
"Fine, fine, fine." I couldn't wait to let her find out about Arttie cheating on her tonight.
Almost as if he could read my mind, his eyes snapped up to hold my gaze. "Don't go making your life more difficult than it already is Chaos."
I rolled my eyes and looked out the window. I couldn't help to feel jealous. "Arttie, why can't you tell me," I asked one more time, knowing I wouldn't get a direct answer.
He walked over and leaned over the bed, pressing his lips against mine and pulled away. "Chaos, just think about it. It's not that hard to figure out. Realization will come to you."
"And if it doesn't?"
"Then I'll tell you."
"You promise?" I asked, looking up at him.
He nodded. He turned and waved as he walked out of my bedroom. It wasn't even a minute after Arttie had left and everyone burst into my room. "Could you guys get any louder, I was watching Sweeny Todd for crying out loud!" Anastasia whinned.
"What the fuck Chaos!" Tori yelled.
"Chaos you just stooped to far to her level," Danielle murmured.
"Oh my god, you guys did it while we were here!" Rememendy yelled, throwing her hands up in the air.
I ignored their complaints and only picked up on the concern that came from the back of the group of my friends. "Chaos, are you alright?" Willa whispered.
The crowd of girls parted and I brought my head up from looking at my comforter and let my eyes bore into hers. I didn't have to say anything to her. She already knew my answer to that. She took a few strides toward me and crawled onto the bed, wrapping her arms tightly around me. I wasn't going to cry, because I didn't feel any sadness. I felt numb inside. Just so lost deep in thought. Not really caring what the others were saying about me.
After a few mintues Willa pulled away with a disgusted look on her face. "Chaos, I'm going to try to put this as nicely as I can but you smell like sex."
All the sudden a hysterical laughter that I couldn't control burst out of me. I got up to my feet and ran into my bathroom and locked the door. I leaned up against the door and closed my eyes, letting the tears slip down my face as I slide down to the floor. I pulled my knees up to my chin and just stared off into space.
I tried to think about why Arttie was holding onto Sarh. The only realization that came to me was that I had become what I despised the most. I became what I never wanted to become. I lost myself to my enemy. I became Sarah.
Sorry for the long delay in updates.
Internet has been down for a month!
Show some love if you forgive me!!!!!!
xoxoxo
Kayla